Food is the best substitute for everything, because it does not put up any resistance, but surrenders instantly.

We like to look for patterns and find connections in unrelated events. This way we can explain them to ourselves. Life seems neater, or at least less messy. We need to feel we are in control: it is integral to our self-esteem. We also know, though we deny it, that we are not in control. So we settle for the illusions of control. What if we stopped fooling ourselves?

The expression “madly in love” is apt, for it describes a form of temporary insanity.

People will hate you for no apparent reason.

If you’re on a plane and the person in front of you starts slowly tilting to one side, it means he’s letting out a fart. Take cover!

My philosophy in gadgets is simple: Use them until they fall apart. Ignore new models as long as you can; they’re a plot to separate you from your money.

The challenge for all of us in this day and age is to distinguish between the merely surprising and the truly amazing.

In relationships it is best to assume nothing.

Marriage is a contract. Love is non-negotiable.

There are limits to self-improvement. Inevitably you hit the point where what you are is, well, what you are, and all the teach-yourself videos and easy-to-use equipment on those creatinous home TV shopping things can no longer ward off you confrontation with your self.